By Fernanda Ruiz, Home Visiting Director, and Georgette Saad, Senior Early Childhood Manager

People always ask how our kids are doing and they are excited to see how much our kids have grown. However, very few people ask how parents and caregivers are doing. It is easy to forget or brush off how hard it is to be a parent, so during National Child Abuse Prevention month, Mary’s Center wants to remind our community that parents and caregivers are worthy and deserving of care and attention.

Abuse and neglect are most closely linked to parent stress levels, especially when parents don’t have enough support and they feel very overwhelmed and at a loss of how to cope. Child abuse and neglect can occur in any family, including parents and caregivers that love their children. That is what makes it so complex and hard to understand for us as parents and caregivers. Why would I do something like this to my beloved child? In this case, seriously, it’s not you – it’s all the stress you’re carrying on your shoulders.

Assess Your Stress Level

Check in on your current stress level by asking yourself these questions:

• Have I eaten?
• How many hours am I sleeping on average?
• When I am asleep, am I sleeping restlessly or restfully?
• Am I able to get out of bed most mornings when I am reasonably rested?
• Have I stopped enjoying things I used to enjoy?
• Do I spend more than half of the day worrying about things that are out of my control?
• When was the last time I had a conversation with another adult about something that wasn’t related to being a parent?
• When was the last time I did something that I wanted to do for myself?
• When was the last time I was able to take care of myself in one small way that I used to before having kids? This may be wearing clothing that you like or listening to music that you like.

Manage Your Stress

There are many ways to manage stress, but it can be tricky when our brain is already in a stressed state. Once our stress levels get too high, we’re more likely to be scary to our kids and even ourselves. We might do things like yell, threaten, or hurt our children even though we love them so much.

We can teach our brain how to cope and lower our stress levels in a healthy way by practicing when we’re not feeling stressed.

Try any of these strategies when you first wake up, before you go to sleep, or any moment that your stress level is lower:

• Take 3 deep breaths in a row. We hear this a lot, but it really works!
• Get some body movement to shake things off by running in place for 60 seconds or do 25 jumping jacks.
• Progressive muscle relaxation: clench your fists really tightly and then release one muscle at a time very slowly.
• Repeat a mantra to yourself.
• Talk to yourself using positive affirmations.
• Listen to positive music. What you listen to is nutrition for your brain!
• Write in a journal. Make sure you end with at least one thing you are grateful for! The brain records the last thing we write or hear.
• Stretch for 60 seconds at a time. Reach way up high and then bring your arms down slowly around you until they reach your sides. You can fold over and reach for your knees if you like the way that your body feels.
• Take a bath or shower, or blow some bubbles if you have them at home!

Shifting the focus to caregiver mental health means that we need to take a long, hard look at how much a person’s life changes when they become a parent.

Here are additional considerations to protect our mental health as parents and caregivers:

• Who can you call when you need support or just want to talk about your day? Social connections are vital to our everyday mental health.
• Is there a larger community or group that you can join? For some caregivers and parents, parenting support groups or faith communities can offer a lot of support.
• What does your body want to do when you are stressed? Do you know that starting to name your feelings that you have in the moment is a way to bring the feeling down? This is the first step in managing the level of frustration we can feel as parents and caregivers.
• What are ways that you cope when you are feeling stressed? Have you noticed any changes in your day-to-day behaviors when stress levels are high? You may notice you sleep more or you are resorting to comfort food. We all need breaks from time to time and it is also important that we watch these changes in our behaviors so we do not adopt unhealthy ones.
• Do you know what your child should and can be learning at different ages? We know that kids don’t arrive with a handbook or a manual, but it can be so helpful to know what is developmentally normal for a 6-month-old baby or a four-year-old child to do! Most questions child therapists are asked to answer is something along the lines of “Is this normal?” Usually, our answer is yes! And we can learn ways to support our children as they learn new developmental skills like how to accept hearing “no.” That’s a hard word to hear for kids and for adults!

Your answers to many of the questions and suggestions above may be “I don’t have time” or “I don’t have help,” and that is okay. You can’t do everything, but it is helpful to have resources at your fingertips when you do have a moment. We highly encourage you to at least download an application on your phone so that when you have time to turn on a meditation with your child or stretch with them while they play, you are ready to go.

Resources for Parents

Mobile Apps:

• Down Dog: Offers yoga and stretching as well as a version for pregnant mamas.
• Mama Zen: A place for mothers and other caregivers to feel validated about how hard this journey is! Find supportive advice, guided meditations and encouraging messages here. There is also a mood tracker to help you start tracking how you are feeling!
• Insight Timer: offers free guided meditations
• Ten Percent Happier: offers free guided meditation
• Sleep Cycle: helps you track your sleep patterns and has free guided meditation to help you sleep.
• Nike Training Club: Offers a huge variety of free workouts for all different levels. From a 10-minute yoga to a more intense interval training if you are feeling like you need to shake your body! All of them are provided by professional coaches and athletes.

Community support:

• Join a support group! Mary’s Center offers support groups for parents who are expecting or in the postpartum period who want to learn more about how to improve their mood. For more information, contact Andrea Agalloco at agalloco@maryscenter.org.
• Fatherhood Groups: Dad sometimes also need a space for them to talk about their experiences and being around other men. At Mary’s Center we have that space for you! For more information, contact Felix Hernandez at fhernandez@maryscenter.org
• Family Support Programs: Do you prefer one-on-one support? Mary’s Center offers a variety of family support programs for families with children 0-5. To learn more, click here.
• Ask a therapist at Mary’s Center for support. We offer several caregiver groups! You can self-refer on our website here.
• Ready for PreK! This DC Public Schools (DCPS) initiative is designed to support families and caregivers of toddlers and two-year-olds through monthly, virtual learning sessions. Learn more here.
• Mother Nation: Spaces online and offline for Mothers to care for themselves and each other. Get and give support up close through personalized Circles, and from all of Mother Nation online here.